In Search Of

Married, female, mother of four, college degree in computer science, seeking canine companion, no yapping, not in the “fluffer” category, to fulfill all parenting desires that were or have not yet been realized by other children in household. Husband manages to take care of other desires.

Must have strong knowledge of female characteristics, wisdom about female idiosyncrasies. Must be OK with messy home on occasion. Must sit by front door, in the morning sunshine as it pierces through the sidelights, and faithfully lay on rug where son used play Legos. Must be OK without Legos, as Legos are long gone and not appropriate for canine behavior.

Canine should show respect to female head of household, agree with any wild hairs that female happens upon in their time together. Should be a worthy companion with coffee, and be able to cozy up two cold feet, even if socks are being worn.

Must be target of head obsessive female, for that matter, all obsessive females in the household, and be able to consistently show brown eyes in such a way that grown women sigh and follow wherever canine goes. Must willingly sit and watch obscure sporting matches with Eastern Coastal Carolina and Akron University, while simultaneously licking up ice cream dripping on floor from small male in the household.

Must respond to owner’s call to “go outside” in the same way children respond to parents call to “go outside” - with enthusiasm and obedience. Must exist in household with abiding loyalty. Must love with reckless abandon